Three Tips to Organize What You Say in Difficult Conversations
Amy Hart
You’re ready to scream. Once again (for the 28th time it feels like!) your coworker is late getting you those crucial report numbers. Well, okay- actually for the second time. BUT – it’s a “thishasgottastop!” moment… or not. Maybe they had a bad day, maybe things will change, maybe the boss will understand – NOT. It’s time. You’ve got to talk to them about this. But how do you begin? And how do you give negative (ugh!) feedback when you have to keep working with this person, not to mention you’re really mad?!
Tip One – Deep breath, cool down, and Identify the Behavior that you have an issue with.
Here’s the key – without any judgments or evaluations, just the facts. Hmmm. Yes, that is why you take a deep breath and cool down first. We’re practicing that Emotional Intelligence thing – managing one’s own triggers and emotions first (even when you’re certain you’re right!) So it may feel like “Once again, he doesn’t bother to read my emails, is late once again, and he doesn’t care, etc. However, a factual description of the behavior might be “John did not send me the numbers I requested in my email by the deadline I set.”
Tip Two – Describe how the behavior Affects you.
What is the impact on you/the job? Again, we want to release judgment and evaluations, and describe the facts. In the above example you might say “When I didn’t get the report numbers from you by the deadline I had asked for, I felt frustrated and upset.” Notice – you can mention feelings – as in it’s a fact you did feel frustrated, as long as you own it versus blaming them.
Tip Three – Describe the Consequence of the behavior.
“I felt frustrated and upset because without the numbers, I couldn’t get the report to my boss on time.” Keep it simple. No long explanations or hedging or fillers or tons of back story. This is not a rant. Just the facts about the behavior, how it affected you, and the consequences.
Now put it all together: “John, when I didn’t get the report numbers from you by the deadline I had requested, I felt frustrated and upset. Without the numbers, I couldn’t get the report to my boss on time.”
Then PAUSE. Count to 5. Give them a chance to respond. You might be amazed at how often John will tell you what was going on. Maybe two people are out and he’s buried…or he’s on some special project. You don’t have to guess or make up stories. And just maybe you can have a dialog about how to work it out. And maybe not. But at least you aren’t guessing or assuming, you’ve calmed down and organized your thoughts, and you are opening the door to better communication.
To summarize the tips – Describe the Behavior, the Affect on you (or the project) and the Consequence(s). And remember to keep it simple!
